Intro: E7 Fdim7  Bm/F#  G E7/G# A   Adim7  E7  A 

verse 1 
    A               C#7             D/F# 
For years we had an aspidistra in a flower pot 
       Bm7                A                  B7   E 
On the whatnot, near the 'atstand in the 'all 
A                 E7           C#m7             F#m 
It didn't seem to grow 'til one day our brother Joe 
      E                        B7           E7 B7 E 
Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall 
        A7                               G   D 
So he's crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree 
         B7                               E7 
And he's planted it against the garden wall 

Bridge 

A          Adim7  A                 A      Adim7        A 
It shot up like a rocket, 'til it's nearly touched the  sky 
        A                   B7     E7 
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world 
Bm          Bdim7   Bm            Bm     Bdim7    Bm   
We couldn't see the top of it, it got so bloomin' high 
         E7      Fdim7  Bm/F#   G E7/G# A 
It's the biggest aspi - distra in the   world 
      C#m           G#7              C#m     
When father's had a skin full at his pub, 'The Bunch of Grapes' 
   C#m            G#7              B7           E   
He doesn't go all fighting mad and getting into scrapes 
           A        Aaug   F#7               Bm            E7 
No, you'll find him in his bear-skin playing Tarzan of the apes 
       E7      Fdim7  Bm/F#  G  E7/G#  A 
Up the biggest aspi - distra in the    world 

verse 2 
   A              C#7             D/F#         A 
We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade 
        Bm7           A                     B7   E 
So they put the water rates up half a crown 
    A                  E7           C#m7              F#m 
The roots stuff up the drains, grow along the country lanes 
         E              B7               E    B7 E7 
And they came up half a mile outside the town 
        A7                               G   D 
Once we hired the Crystal Palace for an 'ot house 
       B7                             E7   B7 E 
But a jealous rival went and burnt it down 

Bridge 2 

    A        Adim7   A               A           Adim7    A 
The tom cats and the moggies love to spend their evenings out 
        A                 B7     E7 
Up the biggest aspidistra in the world 
     Bm    Bdim7 Bm             Bm     Bdim7  Bm  
They all begin meowing when the buds begin to sprout 
       E7      Fdim7  Bm/F#  G  E7/G# A 
Up the biggest aspi - distra in the   world 
   C#m              G#7                C#m   B7       E   
The dogs line up for miles and miles a funny sight to see 
     C#m              G#7   F#7         B7                   E7 
They sniff around for hours on end and wag their tails with glee 
        A            Aaug   F#7    Bm            E7 
So I've had to put a notice up to say it's not a tree 
         E7      Fdim7  Bm/F#  G  E7/G#  A 
It's the biggest aspi - distra in the    world 

Bridge 3 
      A      Adim     A             A          Adim    A 
It's getting worn and weary and its leaves are turning grey 
        A                 B7     E7 
Its the oldest aspidistra in the world 
      Bm    Bdim7   Bm             Bm      Bdim7 Bm  
So we water it with half a pint of Guiness every day 
        E7       Fdim7   Bm/F# G  E7/G#  A 
Its the stoutest aspid - istra in the    world 
   C#m              G#7                C#m    B7      E   
The borough council told us that we've got to chop it down 
    C#m            G#7                F#7         B7 
It interferes with aeroplanes that fly above the town 
E     A            Aaug F#7        Bm           E7 
So we sold it to a wood yard for a lousy half a crown 
         E7      Fdim7  Bm/F#  G  E7/G#  A       A   Adim7  E7  A 
It's the biggest aspi - distra in the    world 

Outro 
N.C. 
The biggest, biggest, biggest aspidistra in the world